The God of Gardening

Priapus is the Greek God of Gardening and everything else that requires fertility and such.  He is defined as a “minor” god, but there is nothing minor about him. The poor guy got cursed with ugliness, small stature, a huge penis and inconvenient impotence, meaning that every time he had the possibility of getting his game on, he lost his hard-on.

Somewhere along the road, the gods threw him off Mount Olympus, and he ended up being adopted by a shepherd who discovered the magical qualities of his large penis. Everywhere Priapus took his penis for a walk, the plants did really well. That’s where he got the gardening gig.

The God of Viagra and Cialis

Like all mythological stories, his got changed. Lucky for Priapus, he went from the God of impotence to the God of Viagra and Cialis. Artists started depicting him walking with an enormous erect member. He even got hired to help weigh fruit and veg with his dick according to a mural in Pompeii . When Priapus wasn’t tipping the scales with his penis, he would also work as a scarecrow in the fields. They say his johnson would scare everything away.

Priapus was also known to hang out with the Satyrs too. What do they say again? Birds of a feather flock together

Not a Itty-Bitty One in Sight

We’ve heard that our Neanderthal and Sapien Great-Grandma’s had a stash of large stone phalluses in the back of the cave.  There were no itty bitty ones in great grandma’s bag of tricks that’s for sure. One thing we do know thanks to a multitude of scientific studies is that size does matter to women.

You can read more about stone age phalluses in my post called “Art History: WTF

Every religion has a statue of a God with an erection except Christians.  Poor Christians.

The Egyptians had heir God Min who walked around with an erection all the time. It would seem he had quite the following way back then.  He was lucky. He never was cursed with Priapus’ inconvenient erectile dysfunction.

Here he is smiling and waving at the crowds.

He is confident and a fertility rockstar, with loads of festivals, groupies and envious men.

Funny thing, there’s this French expression about putting a “mine dans ton crayon”.

Min doesn’t have to worry about that, does he?

Crouching Penis, Hidden Priapus

Over the centuries, the depiction of our beloved God of the Garden changed.  I guess some of the neighbours started complaining about Roman Garden Gnomes with big dicks. Christian male archeologists “sanitized” their discoveries by going around hacking the large penises off sculptures, perhaps because they feared their women making obvious comparisons.

Here’s an example of a Hidden Priapus from the first century.  You put the top on when your mother-in-law comes visiting and then take the top off after she leaves.

There was no need to stash him in the nightstand, or was there?

House of Vetti Pompeii
Peeing Boy

Peeing-Boy statue Brussels

There have always been statues in gardens.  Gardens were decorated for spiritual and aesthetic reasons. The Garden in the House of Vetti in Pompeii has several statues in it.  We need to understand that Pompeii was “cleaned up” too and a lot of the penises got “disappeared”.

Today’s post all started with me noticing a vague resemblance between the statues in the ancient garden at Pompeii and the famous Peeing boy in Brussels. I’ve often seen replicas of the urinating toddler in people’s gardens and lawn ornaments too.

Figleaves aside, what’s the deal with people being so touchy about the penis?

I thought we got over that.

Somewhere along the historical timeline, the penises started to get smaller and smaller. Perhaps it’s just a case of the male artists making the statues appendage smaller not wanting their female significant other looking longingly over the fence at the neighbours Priapus.

Penis Drawings